It occurred to me today that I have a tendency towards a particular sin. Not sure what to call it. Bigotry? Prejudice? Racism? Discrimination? I suppose that some who know we well might not consider this to be a shocking revelation. I know that I struggle with this at times. What I didn't necessarily know was that sometimes I am guilty of it and there's no struggle at all b/c I'm not really aware that it is happening.

The incident that has me pondering this is, when viewed through the eyes of a white man, perhaps quite innocent. I was asked by our choir director to sing the solo on a particular song that our choir has been rehearsing. The song is "Rain on Us" by Carol Cymbala of the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Our choir of about 60 people is comprised of upwards of 90% whites (of which I am one). Our choir director himself happens to be black.

To get to the point, I decided that the song was too much of a stretch for me in terms of style. It is sung in a very soulful style, clearly in the vein of what I often hear called "Black Gospel." So, I proceeded to tell our choir director that I wasn't the right guy for this song. He was visibly disappointed b/c his options for a tenor solo like this one are limited. Feeling the need to defend my decision further, I elaborated on how long it would take me to learn it (weeks) and the fact that I am more of an imitator than a creative musician (in response to his suggestion that I revise the solo to make it more like my style). He didn't yet seem convinced (which may have been only my perception), so feeling like I needed to press it, I threw out a "I'm too white to sing this song" or something to that effect.

I've probably played the "I'm too white" card or variations of it dozens of times in my life in relation to sports or music or whatever. But today, upon reflection of last night's conversation, it feels different. I suppose I somehow consider this statement to be of a "compliment" to black singers. I can't do the things with my voice that many singers (irrespective of the color of their skin) can. I wouldn't even try to sing an opera song or a rap song or jazz or many types of music. I just don't think I could pull them off.

The key here isn't my decision to NOT sing this song, but the statement that flowed from my mouth. I even sort of whispered it (not sure why given that the only black person in proximity was the guy I was actually talking to). Perhaps it was just the idea saying it seemed quite not right. Alas, my brain did not recognize this until the words were past my lips.

Quite honestly, I'm not certain that I have done something wrong. I am inclined to think so, only b/c it seems to be staying with me today (which may very well be conviction of the Holy Spirit).

I suppose I have "good reason" in human terms to be bigoted. The worst offense I have ever experienced in my life -- one the most heinous I could think of -- came at the hands of a person of a different ethnicity. I will carry that around with me for the rest of my life, and many times, despite my best efforts to lay it on the altar over and over again, I look into the face of a random person from the same ethnicity and I associate him/her with that one person.

I digress. What I've been trying to get to in this post is that my seemingly innocent statement could very well not be received so innocently by someone who has had to endure racial bias over the course of his life. I haven't and won't ever have the occasion to walk a mile in his skin. And pointing out differences between us, even in a misguided attempt to be self-deprecating -- well, this doesn't work toward the goal of unifying and aligning myself with other believers.

I think it is almost a certainty that there are times to "celebrate differences" between ethnicities. I do think our culture plays these up too much oftentimes, and it is hard sometimes to know how to align celebrating differences with our society's phobia of pointing out differences. It is clear to me, though, when a statement as casual as "I'm too white" so easily flows from my lips, I need to heed the words of Proverbs 12:18 which says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

Lord, grant me the sensitivity and discernment to let only fresh water come out of the spring of my mouth. Once I have met with my choir director and apologized for my insensitive and careless remark, I pray that I will be a little more in tune with the Holy Spirit in this regard. And a little bit more like Jesus.